I'm really letting it go.
I've always held onto this feeling, that I thought would land me.
A lasting relationship..
But all these time, I've been holding onto a handful of sand.
Standing in the middle of a typhoon.
I could never hold onto you any longer.
It's only a matter of time before the last grain of sand falls out of my grasp.
Onto the sahara desert, it will fall.
Rightfully where it belong, away from me..
I'm really hurt inside, not letting it show.
For I give people this impression, that I will never break apart.
Moving on, I shall.
Hoping for the best.
For you and for me, we'll find our destiny.

I'm going mad. Real quick.

I FINALLY realised. I MUST study. I CAN study. I was like in the library in the morning, with some of my classmates. They were like, good at the maths . So I consulted them. I got like.. Quite alot of info real quick. I guess I can study. Maybe it's time I put in a alil more effort in my studies. Today, totally failed to do my maths. So gonna take sub paper come 2 weeks time. Hopefully, by then I woulda learned my lesson and studied for it weeks before the paper.
And and, I'm like going bonkers. I was speaking to myself in the showers. Then I was like "Wtf... Why am I talking to myself.." Guess I'm too lonely. ):
I neeeeed someone to chat with .. Like right now. Sadly, no one wants to talk to me ):
Gonna go study for CKT. Bye.

Random

Was browsing back at my old posts.. Really liked this .
"I finally found the answer Ms Chua once asked me. What have happened in the past that made you what you are today. I can be assured that it wasn't family. It was you guys"
It's like 6am now. Was watching soccer. (:
I'm not really sure what I'm doing right now. . .
Blank. . .

Hmm..

Well, I did what I thought I didn't dare to do. I gave her chocolates. No, not in person. Wanted to put in her letter box but it was locked. So had to write a note and leave it outside her house. Called her to let her know.. Well.. The reply was kinda.. What I expected. But I didn't want an expected reply. I wanted more.. But as XD said, she ain't my american friend. Well... Can't blame .. I'm the one approaching. She's made her point. But I still don't wanna give up..
But my mother, friends have asked me to give up on her. Unless she's single.
):

Pondering, wondering. Finding, searching.

I wonder hard, I ponder long. But I still can't think a valid reason. I mean.. People meet people, a month later. They become a couple. Months later, or for some.. Years later. They get tired of each other. Thus, they change to a new person. Is this fun? I have no idea. Haven't been thru it. I mean.. If brothers.. They find a new girl. They just aren't the same brother. They talk about their girls.. They are simply, not themselves. It's boring.. At least for those single.

Thinking.. Searching. Finding a coral in the deep blue sea. A coral beautiful enough, both inside and out, to be kept on the shelf and be kept clean. Every single day, I'll give it a polish. Make sure no dust ever settle upon it. But I don't go scuba diving. So I have yet to find my piece of coral. I'm afraid of the ocean, for sharks lurks in them. I'm not daring enough to go scuba dive for my coral, I'm afraid it might hide, for it doesn't want me.

Have been self-reflecting. Soul-searching. Searching for the person I am. I am a person, not worthy of anyone. For I look down on myself. I dismiss love, I mistreat my friends. I get no respect in return it seems. I dare not think highly of myself, for I have low self-esteem. In my mind, people hate me. For if there's someone who likes me, I get really happy quickly. I have no high expectations, as I'm afraid of its great fall. I'm thinking to myself, thinking alot about myself...

Depressed

Suddenly feel that, I'm of no use living in this world.
I'm just ... nothing.
No talents, being used most of the time..
I'm fucked up depressed right now.

You really mean alot to me. It's been awhile since I've been like this.
Maybe it's the first time it felt ever so close. I thought success was undeniable. It seems , I've always been wrong. To believe I would be successful in something. Dumb me.
Why can't I be confident of myself like some people. Mentally weak, physically weak, emotionally weak.. I'm fucking weak.